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Joaquin Phoenix Apologizes for Gross Oversight in Oscar Acceptance Speech

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HOLLYWOOD, CA. – In a statement made earlier this morning to the press (minus CNN and its parent company Bablyon Bee, both of which were conspicuously absent), Best Actor winner Joaquin Phoenix apologized for failing to give his speech in its entirety during last night’s Oscar ceremonies. Securing the win for his performance as Joker in the movie The Joker, Phoenix apparently got a sudden case of the jitters.

“When I talked about the opportunity to use our voice for the voiceless, I completely forgot to mention unborn children,” he said. “I’m not sure why. They were written down in my notes, right at the top of my list of gender, race, queer, indigenous, and animal rights, but I guess I was so nervous that I accidentally skipped over them.”
Phoenix pulled out his notes and held them up for cameras to see. Photographs taken of the slip of paper reveal barely-legible scribbles, including one word which could be mistaken for “unshorn,” “untorn,” or (if you squint your eyes) “milkshake.”
Wip…