Joaquin Phoenix Apologizes for Gross Oversight in Oscar Acceptance Speech

HOLLYWOOD, CA. – In a statement made earlier this morning to the press (minus CNN and its parent company Bablyon Bee, both of which were conspicuously absent), Best Actor winner Joaquin Phoenix apologized for failing to give his speech in its entirety during last night’s Oscar ceremonies. Securing the win for his performance as Joker in the movie The Joker, Phoenix apparently got a sudden case of the jitters.

“When I talked about the opportunity to use our voice for the voiceless, I completely forgot to mention unborn children,” he said. “I’m not sure why. They were written down in my notes, right at the top of my list of gender, race, queer, indigenous, and animal rights, but I guess I was so nervous that I accidentally skipped over them.”

Phoenix pulled out his notes and held them up for cameras to see. Photographs taken of the slip of paper reveal barely-legible scribbles, including one word which could be mistaken for “unshorn,” “untorn,” or (if you squint your eyes) “milkshake.”

Wiping tears of regret (or possibly sleeplessness) from his eyes, Phoenix added, “When I mentioned that we’ve become disconnected from the natural world, I failed to mention our society’s disconnect from the beauty of what goes on naturally in the womb of a woman.”

Reporters threw questions at the actor (or possibly accusations; it was hard to distinguish words in the cacophony), but Phoenix quieted them all by pulling a Smith & Wesson Model 36 out of a paper bag and waving it around.

“It’s embarrassing, really,” he said, laughing awkwardly and loudly. “I mean, pre-born children are the epitome of ‘voiceless’: they literally have no ability to make noise in the amniotic fluid that surrounds them. I mean, have any of you seen The Silent Scream? Or the advancements of ultrasound technology? Or the findings published just earlier this month by Stuart WG Derbyshire (a pro-choice doctor) and John C Bockmann (a pro-life doctor) related to fetal pain? It’s enough to make you go crazy.”

He interrupted himself with a long bout of what appeared to be uncontrollable laughter.

Police arrived seconds later, interrupting his self-interruption, aborting his chances to take the lives of any helpless, innocent victims.

The lauded thespian was taken into custody for brandishing a weapon with malicious intent. Rather than resist, he simply continued to laugh raucously.

Phoenix’s lawyer, publicist, and almond milk supplier were unavailable for comment before the publication of this story.

Correction: an earlier version of this article included the erroneous phrase, “Securing the win for imitating Heath Ledger.” We apologize for the error.

© 2020 by Saht Tyre.

photo credit: vpickering via flickr, CC