President Biden to Replace Hyde Amendment with “Rawhide Amendment”

In one of his first acts as President of the Divided States of America, Biden has purposed to not only eliminate the Hyde Amendment, but to replace it with what he is calling the Rawhide Amendment.

During a press conference awkwardly scheduled on the National Sanctity of Human Life Day, Biden said, “Why call it Rawhide? Well, why not? I mean, it even rhymes with Hyde. It’s perfect!”

He continued: “We have a language problem, and it needs to stop. So many d**n people keep injecting the abortion debate with a vulgar vernacular. As such, I am introducing a legislative provision to make it a legal requirement to use only scientific terms.”

First, Biden proposes that pre-born humans be referred to as fetuses—not babies. “A fetus is not yet a baby,” he said. “Science must be the determining factor here—not our emotions or personal preferences. Let’s stick to the facts, people! Our nation’s rich history illustrates how humans aren’t fully human until the United States government says they are.”

According to Biden’s proposed guidelines, popular terms and phrases related to pregnancy will need to be adjusted. Expectant mothers should have “fetus showers,” not “baby showers.” Photos of pregnant women should be labeled as “fetus bumps,” not “baby bumps.” During ultrasounds, OB-GYNs should refer to “the fetus,” not “the baby.”

Second, Biden proposes verbiage changes for when a fetus passes through the magical birth canal: “Instead of using ambiguous terms like ‘newborns’ or ‘infants,’ we will require the scientific distinction ‘neonates’ be used,” he said. “I mean, come on. Neonates haven’t earned the right to be called babies yet. They don’t even have enough hair worth sniffing. In their early stages, they deserve only the most clinical terminology we have at our disposal.”

The Rawhide Amendment’s proposed changes to the cultural vernacular include updated phrases like “neonate blues,” “neonate face,” and “cry like a neonate.” Parents are encouraged to use scientifically accurate terms when posting neonate pictures to social media, and to expose their progeny to appropriately worded cultural works, including revised songs like “Neonate Shark” and “Rock-A-Bye Neonate.”

Speaking of cultural works, several iconic movie titles and related materials are looking at an upgrade. “I love Rosemary’s Baby,” Biden said, “but we’re pushing for the film to be retitled Rosemary’s Neonate. And wait until your kids get to watch the soon-to-be-retitled The Boss Neonate. It’ll be even more hilarious. Another proposed alteration is one of Humphrey Bogart’s classic lines in Casablanca, which might be changed to ‘Here’s looking at you, neonate’—but we’re undecided there.”

The President went on to praise the impartiality of scientific classifications. “Science is great because it can’t be used to push philosophical or ideological agendas—not even slavery, eugenics, or the Holocaust. Science is impervious to political manipulation. It will help us use language more goodly—er, gooder. The goodest, in fact.”

To set the tone for this new phase of the abortion debate, and to show how serious he is about his proposed changes, Biden has chosen to make a public example out of a well-known public figure: Meghan Markle.

“There is much to commend in Ms. Markle,” Biden said. “She uses a superb conditioner, for starters. But also, in a recent op-ed for New York Times, she wrote, and I quote, ‘[W]e are polarized over whether the fact is, in fact, a fact. We are at odds over whether science is real.’ And yet, in that same op-ed, she made the deplorable decision to repeatedly describe the product of her miscarried pregnancy as a ‘child’—rather than the appropriate term ‘fetus.’ We won’t make any progress in our society if women in the public spotlight insist on using feelings-driven terms. I can’t tell you how strongly I feel about this!”

“Look, changing the way people talk sounds like a daunting task,” Biden said, holding up his hands in reassurance. “But trust me. We’re talking about a handful of words here. This is change you can believe in. It’ll be easy—like taking candy from a neonate.”

Biden is hopeful that this is just the beginning of a long and fruitful progression of improving the way American society talks about all aspects of life. He expressed plans to address other terminology changes in the near future—for example, changing “dog” to “canine,” “friend” to “symbiotic associate,” and “black licorice” to “crap.”

photo credit: jlhervàs via flickr, CC (cropped)