[The following “news story” will not make complete sense unless read in conjunction with this article.]
KNOXVILLE, TN – In an unusual turn of events, a group of Knoxville locals was incarcerated last Saturday for not committing a crime. Cornerstone Church of Knoxville members Jill Brickey, Cap Stewart, and Joanna Holbrook were arrested last Saturday when it was discovered that they failed to vandalize any of the vehicles owned by the church’s vacationing college students.
The UT students had taken their annual spring break “Vision Quest” (or VQ) trip to Laguna Beach, Florida. Most of the students rode down in buses, leaving their cars in the church parking lot for the week. Last year Brickey, Stewart and Holbrook (a.k.a., the K-Town Trio) were arrested for smearing window paint all over the unattended vehicles. Some viewed the act as an attempt to serve the college students, whereas others viewed it as a blatant display of depravity. CCK pastors reprimanded the trio by ordering them to read The Mortification of Sin in Believers by John Owen and write a 10,000-word essay on the relationship between Puritan theology and 21st century vandalism, with an emphasis on ecumenical application.
This year, the college students returned home from Vision Quest at 1:30 AM Saturday morning, only to discover that none of their cars had been hit by any vandalism whatsoever. Some went into shock and needed to be rushed to the hospital.
Police found non-victim Jeff Moore prostrate on the concrete next to his car, moaning, “Why, God? Why me? I don’t understand!” After regaining his composure, Moore explained, “Last year, vandals had written JUST MARRIED on my car, and I wasn’t even in a courtship. Now that I have a girlfriend, I was expecting someone to put something on my car. But now I see my windows haven’t even been touched. Where is the justice in that?” Friends tried consoling him by offering copies of the book Trusting God Even When Life Hurts, by Jerry Bridges.
Other college students expressed outrage. “I pay the K-Town Trio good money to regularly write on my car,” Matt Bowman told reporters, his fiancée holding his hand in an effort to console him. “This is a gross violation of their contractual agreement. I’m calling my lawyers first thing in the morning.”
“Whoever failed to write BOO-YA on my car is a stinkin’ dork!” said Holly Ritchhart. “I mean, I had such a great week in Florida and I was expecting it all to culminate in seeing my vandalized car. But nooooooo, someone decided to take a vacation. Now I’m depressed.”
In a phone interview yesterday, Suzanne Holbrook (now a resident in an Amish community in Pennsylvania) bemoaned the weekend’s events—or lack thereof. [Editor’s note: Suzanne participated in the interview while huddled in a closet in order to avoid being caught by her Amish landlord with a cell phone. Not everything she said could be easily distinguished.] “Great,” she muttered. “I move away to avoid any further acts of vandalism on my car and now the K-Town Trio fails to strike. What kind of sick game are these people playing? Now I’m stuck here in this eighteenth-century design school that’s nothing less than a nightmare. I mean, the only ‘colors’ I’m allowed to work with are black and white!”
“This is an unusual set of circumstances,” officer Andy Young told reporters Monday morning. “In fact, I’m not even sure why we’re detaining the K-Town Trio. They’re more like a group of local do-gooders than villains. I’m ready to finish this ridiculous case and go bust some real bad-guy heads. Hooah!”
Information leaked to the press indicates that Joanna Holbrook is far from happy with the situation. Having not physically participated in last year’s vandalism, she has accused her accusers of accusing her of innocence when she is only innocent by association. She has reportedly made a decision to move to Pennsylvania with her sister as soon as this problem is settled.
CCK staff member Leslie Bowden, having recently returned from the Sovereign Grace pastor’s college only to be told that she still can’t assume a pastorship in the church, took out her anger on Stewart. “I can’t stand that short little twerp any longer!” she fumed to reporters. “In fact, I can’t stand all men everywhere. I’m just going to start my own church-planting organization. I think I’ll call it MSG: Man-free Sovereign Grace.”
The pastoral team of Cornerstone Church of Knoxville has not decided how to respond to the lack of action by the K-Town Trio. “We’re still not in full agreement as to the exact nature of this…uh, inaction,” Mike Plewniak explained to the Knoxville News Sentinel earlier today. “Some on the pastoral team think these individuals exhibited self-control by not vandalizing the college students’ cars. Thus, this lack of crime is an evidence of God’s grace. Others, however, see the lack of action as evidence of Cap Stewart’s inability to initiate any form of servant leadership. So, depending on how we eventually interpret these events, our response to these members could go either way. For example, if we decide to condemn the Trio’s inaction, we might as well give up on trying to turn Cap into a real man and just send him to the next women’s conference.”
In related news, Kevin Shipp, also a CCK member, broke into one of the cages at the Knoxville Zoo and was found chewing on the arm of a monkey. When questioned about the ordeal he explained that it is a new post-VQ tradition. “God spoke to me in writing on my car last year,” he allegedly stated. “Until I hear otherwise, I’m bound by conscience to obey God’s laws, not man’s. So sue me.” Authorities are still investigating the incident.
No one from The Associated Press contributed to this report
© 2007 Stewart D. Caprio