Non-VQers Commit Mischievous Behavior

KNOXVILLE, TN – Cornerstone Church of Knoxville members Jill Brickey, Cap Stewart, and Joanna Holbrook were arrested Sunday afternoon for committing crimes of “mischievous affections” when they used glass chalk to cover 57 cars in the Cornerstone parking lot (all belonging to college students) with random messages.

The college students had taken their annual spring break “Vision Quest” (or VQ) trip to Laguna Beach, Florida. Most of the students rode down in buses, leaving their cars in the church parking lot for safe keeping.

“Safe?” said victim Suzanne Holbrook, sister of Joanna. “Where is ‘safe’ anymore? Not my own church’s parking lot, evidently. I’m not even safe from my own sister! Forget this tripe. I’m moving to Pennsylvania or something. There’s bound to be a good Amish or Mennonite design school up there without all this flagrant sin going on.”

The content of the markings on the college students’ cars ranged from the mundane (DO YOU VQ?) to the rude (GO TEXAS) to the outrageous (EAT MONKEYS). In a particularly creative move, each vehicle in one long row of cars was marked with a large letter, all of which combined to spell out, HEY WELCOME HOME VFC!!! “They even had enough cars to provide spaces between each word,” said Jeremy Bryant, a 35-year-old sophomore at UT. “I am in awe. I mean, not even Chuck Norris could have pulled this off. It would have taken me, like, three years to come up with something this elaborate. I’ll just stick to Jam Skating.”

“This is an unusual crime,” officer Andy Young told reporters Monday morning. “No actual damage was done. This was the lamest attempt at vandalizing I’ve ever seen. Nevertheless, we’ve detained these three individuals for questioning and possible prosecution.

“Their motivation,” he continued, “is still unknown. They claim to have been spurred by a desire to encourage the college students, but I don’t buy it. I mean, they called themselves ‘The K-Town Trio’ and left a ransom note on each car, demanding compensation for the money they spent on their car painting supplies. Pretty brazen, if you ask me.”

The college students returned home early Saturday morning, around 1:30am. When police arrived at the scene of the crime thirty minutes later, they found victim Jeff Moore prostrate on the concrete next to his car, moaning, “Why, God? Why me? I don’t understand!” After regaining his composure, Moore explained, “Vandals had already written JUST MARRIED on my car! But then my own fellow church members augmented the damage by adding VQ BOUND as well. Where is the justice in that?” Friends tried consoling him by offering copies of the book Trusting God Even When Life Hurts, by Jerry Bridges.

Another victim, Jonathan Oldacre, explained through his tears, “I just don’t get why they’d write REAL MEN USE EMOTICONS on my car. I’ve tried explaining to Cap that emoticons are too joyful an expression for godly men. Our church may have certain Charismatic distinctions, but we don’t run around the sanctuary with banners and Shofars every Sunday morning. I thought Cap knew that when he became a member of the church.”

Strangely enough, a few of the victims actually enjoyed the proceedings. “I like being referred to as BOWFLEX BOWMAN,” Matt Bowman told reporters. “Makes me feel masculine. I’m thinking of hiring the K-Town Trio to write on my car every week.”

“Whoever wrote BOO-YA on my car is a stinkin’ genius!” said Holly Ritchhart. “I’ve always wished I had a rubber BOO-YA stamp as a left hand instead of this useless left hand. Now I feel complete!”

Upon further investigation, it was discovered that Holbrook, while connected to the car painting fiasco, and helping proofread the ransom note, was not present for the actual event.

“Joanna said she realized she had too much to do that day,” Brickey allegedly said during her interrogation. “She wanted to be there with us, but her schedule was just too full. It took Cap and me about ninety minutes to hit all the cars.” Eager to be released, Holbrook was quick to confirm the story.

Nevertheless, police are still considering charging Holbrook with Conspiracy, and maybe Accomplice to Vandalization. Brickey and Stewart will probably be charged with Conspiracy, Vandalization, and Possession of Non-Harmful Glass Chalk. “I’m not sure why we’re even considering the Possession charge,” officer Young said. “I mean, even if they’re convicted, we aren’t going to do anything about it. You might as well arrest me for habitually smelling my Chap Stick…uh, which I don’t.”

Leslie Bowden, aspiring pastor-in-training and longtime friend of Stewart, was shocked by the incident. “I’ve known Cap to throw paint cans in camp fires, break camp curfew, and swim illegally in camp ponds…but I never thought he was capable of this.”

“I’m pretty impressed,” Laura Luster, CCK staff member said. “A few months ago, several of the girls in Cornerstone’s singles ministry decorated the cars of the single guys. The event involved hitting several cars all over Knoxville in one evening. We were coordinated, stealthy, and proficient. But Cap and Jill hit almost sixty cars in under two hours—in cold weather, no less? I’d give them a medal or something.”

The pastoral team of Cornerstone Church of Knoxville has yet to decide how to reprimand the perpetrators. “We’re still not in full agreement as to the exact nature of these actions,” Mike Plewniak explained to the Knoxville News Sentinel Sunday evening. “Some on the pastoral team think these individuals exhibited a godly desire to serve VFC members through a unique form of encouragement. Others think any kind of vandalism is completely incompatible with sound doctrine. So, depending on how we eventually interpret these actions, our response to these members could go either way. For example, we are either going to excommunicate Cap or invite him to serve as a care group leader. At this point, we’re just not sure.”

“Dag, yo,” said Ryan Mefford, recently engaged CCK member. “I used to live in the ‘hood and I vandalized everything in sight. I left that lifestyle when God saved me. These perps have definitely stepped over the line. No wonder they’re still single.”

Police have yet to determine why Brickey, Stewart, and Holbrook chose to call themselves the “K-Town Trio.” “The ‘Trio’ part might have something to do with the doctrine of the Trinity,” Young mused. “But as far as the ‘K’ goes, we’re baffled,” he added, fingering his “Knoxville Police Department” badge. “Everyone knows ‘Cornerstone’ begins with a ‘C’.”

In related news, Kevin Shipp, also a CCK member, broke into one of the cages at the Knoxville Zoo and was found chewing on the arm of a monkey. When questioned about the ordeal he allegedly said, “God told me to do it in writing…on my car.” Authorities are still investigating the incident.

No one from The Associated Press contributed to this report
© 2006 Stewart D. Caprio


Tura said…
Love it! Very Well written and entertaining. I on one hand wish my car had been parked there so it could have gotten hit. What would mine have said if it had.....? I would like to know! Seriously!
Anonymous said…
Too funny Cap. Very entertaining! I give it two thumbs way up.
mouth said…
If I had more than two thumbs, I'd stick them all way up. Cap, you're ingenius. Keep it up!
I think it's funny too...I was wondering who did I have all the details.
Suzanne said…
Funny! I pass a girl on the interstate on the way to church and I wondered why she had a huge M on her back window....but when I got to church I understood.

If only it were April 1.
Holly said…
That was hilarious... and really, I'm never washing the "BOO-YA" off of my car. Never.
Mike said…
quite creative! I'm not so sure that all of that story is true...
Anonymous said…
Dude, that's freakin' hilarious. My family is coming to town that day, so I hope we can swing by and take part in the festivities, or at least watch and be entertained!

You're the MAN.